dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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