Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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