tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
