dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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