I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Randomize