its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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