He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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