You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
