Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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