Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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