A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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