oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
