I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
