Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize