I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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