The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
