im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
