Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
