before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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