The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
