i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
