Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
