Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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