i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize