I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Oh god it's open bar.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
