oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
