I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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