my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Never underestimate the power of titties
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
