So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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