My sheets look like a crime scene.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize