I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
