I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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