I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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