hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
