I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
