I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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