Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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