also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize