god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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