shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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