don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
