Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
