Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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