I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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