Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
