I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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