I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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