moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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