Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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