I like my sex mixed with concussions.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
