Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
