Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
