my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
