WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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