Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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