This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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