i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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