we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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