Kiss
Puke
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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