Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
